The year was 1994.

I was in 4th grade. I remember a lot from that year actually- I remember loving my teacher, Mrs. Walters, I remember learning about Indiana history, making peanut butter pie the week we studied the Amish, I remember learning about currency with monopoly money and I remember when a girl in my class lost her dad through suicide. I remember really hating my bus ride and being scared of my bus driver who was mean with a capital M. And I remember winning my class spelling bee (later to lose big time against the other 4th grade champions).

And then, today, I was reading this blog and saw "1994" and "genocide in Rwanda" together in a sentence. This confused me because while I, of course, have heard about this, I don't remember learning or even hearing anything about that back then. Were teachers not teaching about it? Were people not even talking about it? I honestly don't know, but I'm guessing not because I know myself and I know that if they were I would remember it. 

How shameful is it that now I have to learn about something I was living through by googling it 20 years later?  

Goodness, people. What kind of bubble are we raising our kids in?

My gut tells me that we are not doing a good enough job of opening our kids' eyes to realities of this fallen world outside of America. And this is partly because we are not opening our own eyes. I know this because I myself am so pathetically naive. As much as I try to educate myself I am still not trying hard enough because I am still blind to at least 99% of what's happening. 

But, I do know a few things. 

I know that yesterday- nearly 300 men, women and children were murdered when the commercial airplane they were riding in was shot down by a missile. A missile.  

I know that 10% of all girls in Rwanda are sexually abused every year. 10%!

I know that in the US alone, sex trafficking is a $9 billion a year business. Yep, you read that right... in the good US of A.  

I know that it's estimated that at least 5,000 women a year are murdered in honor killings. (and most experts think it's actually at least 4 times higher than this)

I know that today there are more slaves than any other time in history. About 27 million of them.

I know that hundreds- hundreds- of babies are abandoned every single day in China. Just in China, just one country. And most of those precious babies are never adopted. 

Another thing I know is that I will make a lot of mistakes as a parent, but one thing I have committed myself to doing is being honest with my kids about this world. Because the thing is, they have zero chances of helping- if helping is something they want to do- if they don't know that help is needed. I owe that to them and I owe this world a whole lot more than what I've been giving it. 

PS: A few people have mentioned that they have tried commenting on posts but can't ... I just realized that I had "commenting" blocked. I have no idea how or why, but if anyone other than my mom actually follows along then you should now be able to comment now if you want to. 

learning as we go.

5 things I've learned lately:

1. Homemade, lavish weeknight meals (or weekend for that matter) are not necessary. The idea of cooking a full-on dinner every night was invented back when women we're necessarily welcomed with open arms into the work world and somehow those expectations of "dinner on the table by 6" have never gone away. Well, we've been living off of quick, easy, but healthy stuff for a few weeks straight now with very few complaints. I've learned that we can either make a more substantial dinner, eat it, clean it up OR we can actually spend quality time with Jackson and Audrey who we so miss while away working all day. But we literally cannot fit both in on most nights because of our schedules. I choose the latter any day. Their faces are much more welcoming than a hot stove anyway. 

2. I am also learning a lot about what I need to be happy. It sounds so simple and silly and like I should have known this by now, but I think it changes with each life stage and for me right now I am realizing what must be true for me to feel fulfilled and right now I have it all. What a blessing! (For the record, I certainly wouldn't turn away more sleep right now, but thankfully caffeine seems to be readily available wherever I am throughout the day. I have no idea what I would do without you, coffee)

3. That I have the most adorable children ever. Okay, so I already knew this, but how is it possible that they get cuter every day? I mean, honestly, they are the best. They are all that is right with this world... and that is so, so much. 

4. That the endless opportunities are incredibly exiting but can also be somewhat overwhelming. I'm realizing again and again that I have this one life to live and I have a more opportunities to seize than time to do it. I am learning that in those times when the choices overwhelm me because I want to choose them ALL that I need to give it up to The Lord to guide me. That is so hard to do, but it is the only way. 

5. That I am capable of so much more than I can even imagine. It's true. There's something to be said for taking it easy sometimes and not over-doing it, but there's also something (a lot) to be said for superior work ethic, intense focus and self-drive that will inevitably take you places. The key is balance. And for me that line of balance is drawn between when I'm at home with my kids (sit back, relax, live in the moment with them) and when I'm at work (drive hard, full force ahead). So far, it's working, although not without the occasional burn out sessions when I crave time to recharge. 

lessons from the first week.

10 lessons learned this week after going back to work full-time after 6 amazing months on maternity leave:

1. Be sure to wear water-proof mascara and preferably bring eye drops for day #1's 45 minute, sob-fest commute.
2. My arguably over-the-top prep work totally paid off. When those countless random thoughts came to mind while at work (did I remember to tell her that Audrey likes this or to not let Jackson do this...) I could quickly dismiss them because I knew I had covered them (yes, in the 12-page nanny guide).
3. Trust is everything. Knowing that my babies were in hands that I 100% trust is priceless and absolutely not a negotiable area.
4. The love for getting dressed in my "business clothes" has not diminished one little bit since I was a little girl dreaming of doing so.
5. Pack my lunch. My new office site has sub-par food options and I regretted it majorly when I decided to not pack a couple of days.
6. Caffeine is my most needed assistant. Full-time schedule + 2 babies 2 and under means I got an average of maybe 6 hours of sleep each night. Thankfully Dan has taken on coffee-making-duty to help with the 5:30 wake-up call.
7. I am not a morning person, so while building in timing padding in the morning is not fun at first, it is so worth it to not have to rush around as much, especially since the babies are so unpredictable with their needs. Bonus: I actually had a little "play time" with them both on multiple occasions before work!
8. The lessons I learned from going back from maternity leave last time definitely helped set expectations for myself, making it a little smoother.
9. But, on the flip side, leaving a 2 year old (plus an infant) is completely different than just leaving an infant. In other words, he talks and he totally knows what is going on which makes leaving him in the morning 100 times harder.
10. And lastly, the most important lesson, in my opinion, which I failed to really keep in mind the first time I went back to work after having a baby is to be 100% clear, 100% of the time on why you are doing what you're doing. What is your ultimate purpose for working full-time. And to be clear, it must be more than "to make money"... because lets face it, our time with our children is priceless, so it must be at a much higher level than that. Dan and I have had multiple conversation on this- both for him and for me- and so we are crystal clear and therefore inspired and driven to be the best we can be both when we're at home and when we're in the office. And that is the absolute key difference, for me, on why I ended my first week completely fulfilled in all parts of life.