hello from geneva.

It's Wednesday morning in Geneva.

Otherwise known as T minus 2 days until I come HOME.

I've reached my wall. This always happens on business trips. 

I'm tired and I miss my babies. 

But, on the plus side this city? It's gorgeous. 

I mean, look at the view when I walk out my hotel. 

I also find it incredible how at home I feel when I'm so far from home.

Over the years I have made so many friends from around the world who I work with and in times like these I'm thankful that I can tell stories about Jackson, Audrey or Jonah and they already know who I'm talking about and I know their families and what they're passionate about. It's comforting. The more I travel, the more I learn, the more I work for this massive yet tight-knit company, the smaller the world feels and the more I realize yet again how alike we all really are. And that is a beautiful thing.

life's to dos.

life's to do list this week has included:

1. Put home up for sale.
2. Give 14 showings within 3 days for said house.
3. Get first offer on house (yay!) with more promised in coming days. 
4. Decide on house to buy. 
5. Spend lots of time at urgent care- the bear has strep throat. 
6. Go to DR- the bear has given mama said germs. 
7. Work. Lots of work.
8. Do all of this solo- Dan is out of town.
9. Start planning for trip to Paris & Geneva next week.
10. Stay semi-sane. TBD on success of #10. 

nyc.

Life is... well, crazy. Crazy good, but crazy nonetheless. Between the two of us, Dan and I have 5+ trips over the next 2 months, we are trying to sell our home and buy a new one, we will be celebrating one little man turning ONE! and one turning FIVE!, I am trying to train for a half-marathon, trying to keep our heads above water at 2 full-time jobs and enjoy every possible moment with our 3 precious monsters. 

At this point I feel like my next full breath will come in April. Maybe. 

But, honestly, no complaints. Life is good and full of adventure and love and thankfully friends and family who are always here to help, especially my mom and Amy -both of whom we're so thankful for. 

My first business trip away from Jonah came this week with a quick trip to NYC. I often have these moments of wondering how I was ever chosen for the work I do. I'm convinced that the day will come when someone will look around the room and ask me to please leave because clearly I'm not smart enough to be there. Luckily, this did not happen during this trip but I'm still trying to figure out why. On Wednesday we spent the entire day at the New York Google headquarters followed by some time at the Facebook HQ on Thursday morning. 

In between meetings I was able to have dinner with one of my very best friends, Katrina, who lives in Manhattan, take a quick walk around Times Square and stop by the 9/11 Memorial on my way out of town. I'm always so humbled and thankful for these opportunities. I can't help but believe that God puts me in these places and with these people for great reasons and so I do my best to soak it all up to my core. 

Taking photos from the plane for JP. He is a details' man and loves seeing as much as possible from my trips.

The view from my Wednesday meetings. One Trade Center in back middle, Statue of Liberty in back/right (looks tiny!), the rest are the Chelsea and Tribeca neighborhoods of Manhattan. 

Late night stroll through Times Square. 

Sobering, humbling visit to the 9/11 memorial. 

life lately.

Life lately has been... well, hard. A friend asked me the other day what transition was hardest- 0 to 1 kid, 1 to 2 or 2 to 3 and I had to think about it. The thing is, the kids aren't the hard part for me- they're actually the part that makes it all worth it. It's the 3 young kids + 2 full-time careers + 2 long commutes + so many projects yet to do on this house. All of it together- that's what makes it so hard. Most days I feel like I can do this and not only do it, but do it really well. But there are days (and sometimes weeks in this case) when it feels like way too much. When Dan and I are both burnt out, feeling down about it and not sure what to do. Those weeks lead to a lot of self doubt and searching for answers. Hopefully this weekend will bring a lot of rest and fun and at least a few answers. 

life lately.

life lately has included...

A successful first day for Jackson at his new preschool. I worked off-site so that I could take my buddy and pick him up on his first day. We even squeezed in a back-to-(pre)school breakfast- so fun. He was nervous at drop-off but all smiles when I picked him up and his teacher said he did amazing. 

A little late- but last Sunday we celebrated Grace's 6th birthday. Jackson LOVES his Grace (almost as much as her birthday cupcakes?). 

One evening this week some girlfriends and I went to a "do it herself" workshop at the Home Depot. It was hilarious and we even picked up a few new skills. What is TPI you may ask? Well, that's just some new power tool lingo I'll break out at some point with Dan- I'm sure he'll be impressed ;). 

Soccer Saturday returned after a bye-week. Jackson blew us away  with how much he continues to come out of his shell and was aggressive and scored his first goal! So proud of my little man. And some of his favorite fans came to watch too which was a big bonus. 

I am continuing to figure out the balance between work and home. We're getting there. Each week it somehow gets a little easier and a little harder at the same time. I know that makes no sense- it's just that with each week I seem to figure some things out while other parts get more challenging. Thankfully, the good still far outweighs the hard. Friday night we went to a dinner party with my work team- I loved meeting their families and loved that they met mine. I want them to know my babies, I want them to know Dan because those people that I work with are so much more than that and I need them to know the most important parts of my life, my family. 

And all of that work-week struggle makes the weekends so, so much sweeter. It makes us that much more intentional with how we spend our time. 

We really are so, so blessed. 

(life lately)

Life lately has revolved around mastering this new routine- the one that involves lots of work and fun with the babies... and fun at work and the work of raising babies. You know, all of that. Lucky for me, I love my new assignment and more importantly, I love the people I work with. I don't so much love the heavy, heavy traffic that has become a part of too many morning commutes, but that aside, it's all good. Exhausting, but good. 

Speaking of babies. Mine are pretty cute. 

And sometimes the work + babies thing is too much. Like when I'm rushing through making baby food and the majority of the butternut squash ends up all over my kitchen instead. Fun. Or when I'm running late to soccer practice so have to show up in my dress clothes and heels- in the rain. But, then, there's Friday night and snuggles on the couch with the sweetest three monsters I've ever known and it's all good again. 

how to get a "full night's sleep" - a tutorial.

I've been back to work for almost 3 weeks now. I have been averaging less than six hours of sleep each night- and rarely have those hours been all at once. And so, yesterday, I hit my wall. I was emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted. I NEEDED some rest, but with 3 sweet babies to take care of (on my own, Dan was stuck at work until late), I needed to improvise. So, our evening went something like this:

5:30pm: Pick-up babies, come home, cuddle, dinner, play, etc.
6:45pm: Put Jonah down for a mid-evening nap (he so needed it, he's not sleeping a lot either with his poor teeth bothering him)
6:50pm: Break all rules by letting JP & AD eat a snack on the couch AND watch a show (we're crazy, I know) while I cuddle with them and close my eyes with one hand on each child so that if I fell asleep I would wake if they moved. 
7:30pm: Jonah's back up- feed him, play with him, get him in his pajamas.
8:00pm: Dan is finally home! Ask him to feed Jonah his bedtime bottle while I get the other 2 ready for bed. 
9:00pm: Break some more rules by laying with Audrey during bed time so she actually stays in her bed. I fall asleep too. 
Midnight: I wake up to Jonah crying. Go feed/cuddle him, get him back to sleep. 
12:30am: Do some cleaning up (although not enough) before crashing back in bed.
3:00am- you guessed it, the Peanut, she's awake crying. Bring her to bed with us. 
3:30am- Jonah is awake. Oh, good, because I missed him so during that 3 hour break.
5:15am- Jonah. Again. I beg Dan to try to quickly feed him before he has to leave for work in 15 minutes. THANK goodness, he is able to fit that in. 
5:50am- my alarm starts going off. Again, being the rule-breaker I am, I begin implementing the snooze button strategy and don't get up until 6:45!! It's Friday, we're getting crazy around here. 

And that, my friends, is a easy 12-step process on how to trick yourself into beliving you got a full night's sleep. No joke. I feel like a million bucks today. 

Update! I received a phone call from Jackson (& Nanna) at work- Jonah has his 1st tooth! I'm so, so happy because 1) it's a fun milestone and 2) MAYBE HE WILL SLEEP TONIGHT!!

pillow mates.

This is what I have woken up to almost every morning for the past 5 months or so. Her name is Audrey and she's a nightmare. A literal nightmare when it comes to sleeping. It started when Dan was working a crazy work schedule and wasn't around for 3 months, Jonah was a newborn, she was transitioning to a big girl bed and I was on the edge of losing my mind... the Peanut picked up on the opportunity to take full advantage and her perfect sleeping habits went out the window. I was hoping we would be through it by now, especially being back to work full-time, and some nights things are somewhat better, but most of the time not and there is no disciplinary strategy that works- I've tried them all, I've tried them all consistently. On nights like the ones we've been having - when Jonah is up to eat at least once, if not twice, and Audrey screams for me from her bed around 4 (like clock work!)... I try to remind myself that everything with kids is a phase- the good and the bad. Oh, Audrey, please tell me this phase is ending soon. You are the sweetest pillow mate, the most beautiful face to wake up to each morning, but I need need some peaceful sleep desperately. One day, they will all sleep, right? I'm sure of it. At least that is the hope that will get me through... monsters.

at the end of the day...

Today I'm wrapping up my first week back to work, my first week on my new assignment, my first week leaving my THREE(!) babies. Leaving them to head to the office will never be an easy thing to do- but as I've said before, very rarely is the easy thing the right thing. And right now, this is the right thing for our family. 

These past few days couldn't have gone better. I am tired- TIRED, I tell you, but everyone is happy, everyone is taken care of. Jackson- notorious for sleeping in- was up  early Monday morning, reporting to Nanna that he just couldn't sleep because he was too excited to spend the day with her. My babies are excited for the adventures they are having while I am off having some of my own- how lucky are we? 

So lucky. And I'm so blessed- I get to play so many roles in this life of mine- some more important than others, of course, but as I've been talking with my team this week, I firmly believe that I will excel at all of them and that each of the roles I play enables me to excel at all the others. They are interconnected. It's something that I think of as exponential success- success in one area can enable and multiply ones success in another area.

And with all of that said- I love, LOVE, that at the end of the day we are just a family full of love, blessings, challenges and hopefully a whole lot of adventure who is just trying to make the most of each day, wherever that day may take us. 

headlines.

10 random headlines from my first day back to work...

1. After 6 months of not having to listen to it, I confirmed this morning that I still loathe the sound of my alarm clock.  
2. Much to my disappointment, Jonah decided that sleeping through the night would not be a good going-back-to-work present. On the plus side, at least I get extra cuddles with him around 3:00 every morning :).
3. My new team is a lot of fun. I already like them all a lot. 
4. Team dinners are also a lot of fun, but it made for a very long first day back... I finally got home to my babies a little before 9:00pm and thankfully they were all still awake. 
5. Add up #s 1, 2 & 4 and you've got yourself one exhausted lady. 
6. Jackson proved that you can in fact be too proactive... the past few days I had been noticing annoying little gnats in our house and couldn't figure out where they were coming from. Dan found the source: JP had at some point went ahead and packed his lunch for school several weeks early and then put his lunchbox in his locker in the den. GROSS! Dan cleaned out the unidentifiable rotten "lunch" tonight.
7. Jonah missed his mama- he greeted me with waving his chubby little arms for me to pick him up and then proceeded to pull me in for several very wet kisses. Adorable.
8. I would like to take a moment to "thank" coffee for getting me through this day. Don't ever underestimate the power of (several) cups of coffee to get you through emotionally draining days. 
9. Not only do I really like my new team, but the work itself is going to be a lot of fun. I have really good feelings about this new assignment. 
10. ...and now time for some late evening cuddles with 2 very sleepy monsters.

ripping off the band-aid.

2 out of 5 Engels agree that this lady went a little overboard with the cleaning today. Audrey told me (a few times), "oh goodness, all this cleaning is making me tired" and "oh, mommy, I just need to rest" as she would dramatically throw herself onto the couch. And before he went to bed Dan told me that he thinks that "we're all cleaned out for this 'funday sunday'." Don't feel too sorry for them- Jackson LOVES to clean and organize and they were rewarded with their very first slush-puppies. 

I can't help it, I canNOT go to work with an unorganized house. It's still not as perfect as I'd like for it to be, but I'm learning that's just the reality of living with 3 little monsters and 1 husband who maaaay not require the same level of clean as I do. Knowing that my home is in order and that my babies are taken care of are 2 necessaries for me to work full-time. It helps me feel at peace, allowing me to let go of the worries and focus on what I need to do during the work day. 

I have been thinking... that I've just been thinking too much about going back to work. The anticipation is what is killing me- that fuzzy time in between two chapters when every little thing is analyzed... and then analyzed again. I know that at this time tomorrow, when my first day is over, I will feel a lot better. I just need to rip off the band aid already. 

And until then, here's a little bit of life lately from the past few days: 

Lots of play time with the babies. That face in the swing? That's his opinion of swinging most of the time. Not a big fan just yet. 

We've also taken care of lots of last-minute errands and as anyone knows, errands are best capped off with ice cream. 

And last night was date night with Jackson & Audrey to see Disney Junior Live with their cousins. I don't think the peanut has ever sat still that long- she was star struck... and let the record books show that you can indeed eat an entire bag of cotton candy by yourself and not throw up (leave it to Jackson to inhale that much sugar without me realizing it...).

10 day forecast.

Earlier today I was checking the weather for the upcoming week and realized that July 28th now shows up in the 10 day forecast. It will be partly cloudy that Monday, with a 20% chance of rain and a high of 80. 

And I'll be back to work. 

How is my time off almost over? I don't know. I guess time flies when you're not sleeping having fun. But, I do know that the next few weeks will bring a slew of self doubts and irrational fears. The emotional roller coaster has begun. 

And so I started doing what I always do when something is upsetting me:

1. I went for a run. It didn't happen until almost 9:00pm tonight but I went and ran a few miles until it was too dark to be safe. The thing with running for a person who's head won't stop thinking is that it gets to be too exhausting even to think, so you can finally turn off all the worries for awhile.

2. I wrote. Writing for me is therapy because it's how I best process things. 

3. I organized (well, still in the process of that one...). When in doubt, organize :). I make lists, write out instructions (more like manuals) for how to care for my babies, I start throwing out clutter (or what the children refer to as toys ;)), I write strategies for how I'm going to keep the house in order once I'm working full-time again. I go a little overboard. But, that's okay. I know it won't all last- the organization- but it helps me realize that it's all going to be okay because we can always take a time-out when things get tough and re-sort, re-organize, re-evaluate where we're at and what we need to do to get to where we want to be.

4. And lastly and certainly not least importantly, I can very easily articulate why it is I'm doing what I'm doing. This purpose-driven clarity was the one thing that helped me the most when I went back to work after the peanut- being clear with myself on why I'm working. For me, it's a great many reasons, but they are good, solid ones that are in the best interest of our family. They are reasons that are laying the foundation for our future.

Assistant for hire.

Temperatures outside today are colder than they have been in decades- the wind chill is nearing negative 30. It's crazy cold. And so I decided that being almost 9 months pregnant I'd rather play it safe (and warm) and work from home. I also didn't want Amy to have to worry about getting here so I am attempting to work with 2 monsters running around. Below is my assistant. She is really cute. But, she is also very sassy and so far I'm not sure I would give her a glowing recommendation- she has my same fascination with office supplies so tends to get in the way more than she helps. 

Reunited.

This morning before my meetings began I was able to meet up for coffee with my long lost best friend and college roommate, Katrina, who lives and works in NYC! It was the perfect way to begin the day. 

one down, two to go...

I got home late last night after my first of three upcoming trips to Chicago for work. It was a great trip (minus the whole American Airlines flight delay debacle on the way home... get it together, AA). But, as successful of a trip that it was, I'm happy to be home with my babies...

sunday night blues.

I caught the Sunday night blues a lot earlier than normal tonight. I just felt like my Sunday night to-do list was far too long to actually get accomplished. This making of unrealistic to-do lists really isn't anything new for me, but tonight's was just ridiculous considering added to it was a LOT of work that needed to be done to prepare for meetings tomorrow. Anxiety and stress were creeping in quickly. 

It is so hard. It is so hard being a full-time working mom sometimes. Here's the thing, when you're working in the business world nobody really cares that you just went without sleep for the past three years week because you have had a teething baby and a toddler with a cold. Nobody really care that when you get home from work you have a million things to do for your family and then will end up getting back on your computer to finish work when everyone else is headed to bed. Nobody cares that while you're leading meetings and hammering out presentations that you're missing your babies to the point of tears many days. Nobody cares. They, of course, care about you and they care about your family... but what I mean is that they're not going to cut you any breaks. 

And I'm grateful for that in many ways. I know I can be amongst the best both at home and at work, but I'm not going to say that it's easy, because it is so hard and I'm feeling the weight of all of that tonight more than usual. Probably because I'm at the end fo the weekend and feel like the weight of all the pressures weren't lifted at all since I left the office Friday.  

Sorry to be a downer, but I'm tired and just need a break. I'm so thankful for the weekend coming up. We'll be headed out of town for a friend's wedding. So, so needed. The goal of the week between now and then is survival... and hopefully a lot more than that. 

Any advice is welcome :)

PS: One BIG piece of amazing news from his weekend which will probably only be understood by fellow moms is that Jackson finally, finally went #2 consistently on the potty. He has been out of diapers except for his every other day #2 since he turned two in February, but we made HUGE progress this weekend and I think he has said goodbye to diapers once an for all. So proud of him!

the other roller-coaster.

I must have roller-coasters on the brain from our fun this weekend because today I couldn't help but think of how much of a roller-coaster life can be right now during the work week. It seems like we're trying to manage so much between both of us having full-time careers + two babies 2 and under + still driving hard to realize many dreams and goals both inside and outside of work and the home. It's a lot. A lot of good stuff, but still a lot. And with all of it comes this reality where you can feel on top of the world and like a total champ one minute and like you're drowning the next. It seems to happen only during the work week for me, on the weekends life is a totally different thing without all of the added pressure of deadlines, work politics and complicated projects, but those 5 days in between have their moments of being a total roller-coaster and today was no different. Today's ride included a smooth start, a productive morning, a migraine-filled afternoon and is ending with a chaotic evening of juggling both caring for babies while trying to catch up on some work I feel so behind on. It is the story of a life that is totally bi-polar at times, but thankfully far outweighed with the good and joyful and loving versus the moments of chaos, stress and defeat.