dear, emme.

Dear, Emme-

This morning on my commute into the office I couldn't stop thinking about YOU. For some reason you dominated my every thought. It felt like God was telling me that things are crazy right now- crazy busy, lots going on- and that this intensity is just preparing us and making us stronger for when our journey to you begins. I know God probably finds my over-detailed life plans and checklists amusing in that "oh sweet girl of mine you are so funny thinking you can control all of that..." way, so I don't know when exactly we'll be able to wrap you in our arms and bring you safely home, but there was just something about today- something that weighed so heavily on my heart that I can't help but believe that today was an important step, an important milestone, in your journey. 

When I started to visualize the timeline of when we plan to bring you home and worked backwards I realized that now might be when your biological mom and dad are meeting or maybe starting to plan for a family or maybe even conceive you. I don't know, but I did want YOU to know that on this day, even before you came to this world, you were LOVED. You were PLANNED for. You were WANTED. 

As I sat in traffic and all of this swarmed through my mind, I was so emotional and full of love for you and a song came on the radio with the lyrics "bring you Home" playing over and over. 

Chills, absolute chills. 

blessed.

We kicked off Thanksgiving early this weekend with one family celebration Saturday night and another this afternoon. It's hard to believe that this time of the year is already here, but I love it, I love all the memory-making that it brings and I love the extra time that it gives me to be with my babies and Dan (3-day work week here we come!). 

I'm not going to lie, running from one holiday party to the next can be completely exhausting and there are definitely times when it seems to suck a lot of the fun right out from under us, so we're working on that. We're trying to be choice full about how much we try to fit in while trying not to hurt feelings. But what a problem to have, right? A spoiled-people problem, that's what that is. 

And speaking of being spoiled. We are almost embarrassingly blessed. It's been coming to our attention more and more lately and Dan and I have both been feeling pulled more strongly than ever to really up our game when it comes to fulfilling some of the many purposes God has for us. We took a big step today in making one of those a reality. We have decided that instead of celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary with a trip to Alaska this summer, we would instead focus that time and money on going on our very first mission trip. As long as everything falls into place, we will be headed to Ecuador at the end of June and couldn't be more thankful for the opportunity!

There is another really big purpose that we've been researching intensely over the past several months. It's most definitely a part of our biggest purpose in life- that of being parents.  I feel compelled to share this now because it's been in our hearts for so long, but also because the desire for this has become almost unbearably strong for me personally and I want to document as much as I can so that someday our family can look back and understand how important this was to us. How important it was for us to complete our family through adoption. 

I have known for longer than I can remember that not all of my babies would share my genes. I have known for longer than I can remember that a big part of my heart lives somewhere else in the world and it was only a matter of time before I would find out where exactly that is and when I could finally go and put it back together. The details are still foggy, but we feel God leading us to where our baby is in a very real way that often keeps me up at night. 

We haven't shared a lot of details about this with all of our family, so I  apologize if any of you are reading about this on here, but honestly I have no idea if anyone other than my mom reads and she's fully in the loop and more than supportive. We'll definitely make a more "official" announcement when things are more solidified, but we're really early in the process so it will probably be a few years before we actually bring baby home, but right now I just need this outlet of writing. I need it for my sanity and I need it for baby #3's benefit some day. 

I never understood that there could be such an element of grief involved in adoption, but the reality is that when you realize that your child will be carried in another woman's body and will then live for an unknown amount of time in another part of the world without our love and affection when they need it most in their life. Well that, that is really hard to swallow. 

But the bright side? Well the bright side is immeasurable it's so big. It's completing our family. It's having my heart all in one piece. It's loving another son or daughter. It's our world. 

We're really early in this process of adoption and we have a LOT to figure out, but we also are more sure about this purpose than any other we've been given in life and that confidence comes with even more faith. And faith and love are just about all you ever need.