dear, emme.

Dear, Emme-

This morning on my commute into the office I couldn't stop thinking about YOU. For some reason you dominated my every thought. It felt like God was telling me that things are crazy right now- crazy busy, lots going on- and that this intensity is just preparing us and making us stronger for when our journey to you begins. I know God probably finds my over-detailed life plans and checklists amusing in that "oh sweet girl of mine you are so funny thinking you can control all of that..." way, so I don't know when exactly we'll be able to wrap you in our arms and bring you safely home, but there was just something about today- something that weighed so heavily on my heart that I can't help but believe that today was an important step, an important milestone, in your journey. 

When I started to visualize the timeline of when we plan to bring you home and worked backwards I realized that now might be when your biological mom and dad are meeting or maybe starting to plan for a family or maybe even conceive you. I don't know, but I did want YOU to know that on this day, even before you came to this world, you were LOVED. You were PLANNED for. You were WANTED. 

As I sat in traffic and all of this swarmed through my mind, I was so emotional and full of love for you and a song came on the radio with the lyrics "bring you Home" playing over and over. 

Chills, absolute chills. 

#4

Hey there, Emma, just so you know I'm already planning for you- I have been for a long, long time. Your very own Christmas stocking and initial will be waiting for you when we bring you home someday. And since you now have quite a few "E" items around the house I'm hoping Daddy will sort of just go along with my name choice. The strategy has worked before (ah hem, Jonah...). Love you, baby girl. 

den updates.

At the start of my maternity leave I made a list about a mile-long of projects I wanted to do during my time-off. And then something happened. I actually had the baby and got around to only a few with our three monsters in tow. So, with only a couple of weeks left on leave I am anxiously trying to check off more, including a few updates in the den. 

First up, a new desk. We had a desk unit in the den, but I wanted something more streamlined, clean and somewhat rustic. So, Dan built one for me. He used more of the wood that he used to build our bookshelves with- wood from some trees at his parents' house that he planed, sanded and stained. I love how it turned out and the fact that it was basically free is a bonus. I need to figure out a way to hide some of the computer chords and tower on the floor to the left, but other than that I love it. 

The second update happened because I found a set of school lockers on Craiglist that were: A) a good price and B) relatively close by. I have stalked the Craigslist listings here and there for awhile looking for lockers but they always either too expensive or the drive to get them wouldn't have been worth it. 

They were in great shape but the yellow color they were painted was too bright for what I was going for and overall just needed a fresh coat of paint, so Dan helped me lay the lockers inside our little red barn and I went to work. I did a quick rough sanding job to smooth out any bumps, then using an air compressor I cleaned them off (the air helped with getting little pieces of dirt out of the nooks and crannies) and then taped off the metal details. Lastly, using a stencil I taped the first initial of each of our babies, in birth order, on the lockers so that when I painted the lockers I could then remove the tape and their initials would remain in the original yellow for a nice contrast to the metallic deep grey I was using. 

(PS: notice the "E" for baby #4... this makes me smile! Some day baby girl can look back and realize how much she was wanted, loved and prayed for long before she even graced this Earth. The "E" in my mind stands for "Emma" but could always be "Baby Engel" since I don't have Dan sold on that name :)) And to be clear- I am NOT pregnant if anyone is reading this... baby #4 won't come home for a few more years.)

After giving the lockers two coats of paint over two days, we removed the tape and brought them inside where Dan secured them to the wall so that they will never fall over on our little monsters. And it's a good thing he did since Jackson and Audrey think lockers are meant to be play inside- they played in them for a solid two hours after we brought them in the house. 

The last update which I don't have full pictures of are new area rugs. You can see portions of them by both the lockers and the desk. I found these on Joss & Main and love them- they are soft and beautiful and having two of them works nicely with the two "areas" of the den that I'm working towards (learning/activity space for the kids & the desk/reading space for the adults). 

The next update to come (hopefully soon) is a new art desk for the kids. We currently have an old dining room table that we call the "art table" and it is where Jackson and Audrey do crafts, activities, practice schoolwork, etc, but Dan is going to build one that is more their size and in-line style-wise with the rest of the room. I have to pace myself with requesting projects of him so that he actually enjoys doing them. Little does he know (or maybe he does!) that I always have at least 20 more things on my list for him to build...

The new art table inspiration: HERE, HERE and HERE.

heavy heart.

I have a long commute to and from my office. This can easily be a blessing to help clear my mind, to help think through things or just for some moments of silence, but there are other days when the opportunity to think extensively also gets me into trouble. 

It's at those times that the weight of the world seems to fall heavy on me and I don't do well when I can't solve for everything. Lately, more often than not all of this seems to go back to our adopted baby. How I know she (or he) is still a few years away from bringing home, but my heart still hurts for her every single day. 

I know she probably hasn't even been born yet, but today my mind and heart keeping going to her - to the man and woman who will conceive of her, who will give birth to her and then for some unspeakable reason will abandon her in some part of the world, to be taken care of by people who mean well but don't have the resources to care for her in the way she deserves and then she will wait. She will wait for me to find her, to fight for her and to finally bring her home. 

I'm mostly writing this to myself, to help ease my mind a little so that I can get some work done, but I also write it so that one day Emma (I call her Emma when I pray for her) can read back and understand how much I loved her and prayed for her every single day long before she even existed on this Earth. 

blessed.

We kicked off Thanksgiving early this weekend with one family celebration Saturday night and another this afternoon. It's hard to believe that this time of the year is already here, but I love it, I love all the memory-making that it brings and I love the extra time that it gives me to be with my babies and Dan (3-day work week here we come!). 

I'm not going to lie, running from one holiday party to the next can be completely exhausting and there are definitely times when it seems to suck a lot of the fun right out from under us, so we're working on that. We're trying to be choice full about how much we try to fit in while trying not to hurt feelings. But what a problem to have, right? A spoiled-people problem, that's what that is. 

And speaking of being spoiled. We are almost embarrassingly blessed. It's been coming to our attention more and more lately and Dan and I have both been feeling pulled more strongly than ever to really up our game when it comes to fulfilling some of the many purposes God has for us. We took a big step today in making one of those a reality. We have decided that instead of celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary with a trip to Alaska this summer, we would instead focus that time and money on going on our very first mission trip. As long as everything falls into place, we will be headed to Ecuador at the end of June and couldn't be more thankful for the opportunity!

There is another really big purpose that we've been researching intensely over the past several months. It's most definitely a part of our biggest purpose in life- that of being parents.  I feel compelled to share this now because it's been in our hearts for so long, but also because the desire for this has become almost unbearably strong for me personally and I want to document as much as I can so that someday our family can look back and understand how important this was to us. How important it was for us to complete our family through adoption. 

I have known for longer than I can remember that not all of my babies would share my genes. I have known for longer than I can remember that a big part of my heart lives somewhere else in the world and it was only a matter of time before I would find out where exactly that is and when I could finally go and put it back together. The details are still foggy, but we feel God leading us to where our baby is in a very real way that often keeps me up at night. 

We haven't shared a lot of details about this with all of our family, so I  apologize if any of you are reading about this on here, but honestly I have no idea if anyone other than my mom reads and she's fully in the loop and more than supportive. We'll definitely make a more "official" announcement when things are more solidified, but we're really early in the process so it will probably be a few years before we actually bring baby home, but right now I just need this outlet of writing. I need it for my sanity and I need it for baby #3's benefit some day. 

I never understood that there could be such an element of grief involved in adoption, but the reality is that when you realize that your child will be carried in another woman's body and will then live for an unknown amount of time in another part of the world without our love and affection when they need it most in their life. Well that, that is really hard to swallow. 

But the bright side? Well the bright side is immeasurable it's so big. It's completing our family. It's having my heart all in one piece. It's loving another son or daughter. It's our world. 

We're really early in this process of adoption and we have a LOT to figure out, but we also are more sure about this purpose than any other we've been given in life and that confidence comes with even more faith. And faith and love are just about all you ever need.