and.... pause.

As much as I want to slow life down right now, like it or not, we are living on fast forward. The next few months for our family are going to be a big test of faith, patience and energy. But, we'll pass- we'll pass with flying colors, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy, comfortable or fun every day. 

If I were to find a bright spot in the fact that Dan will be working straight through the weekends until this summer- it would be that Jackson and I will be getting in a lot of one-on-one time together. I have a list of all the adventures we're going to go on- some of the best I'm sure will be played out in our little spot on top of the world.  

As many times as JP has been outside with us over the past year, he has only begun to explore this place that he calls home now that his chubby little feet have found the sweet freedom of running. Thank you, thank you for this pause button that we've been handed for the next couple of days. I can't remember the last time we've needed it more.

weekend warriors

 It's sort of funny (in the non-laughing way) how much we look forward to the weekends. To those two days that are gloriously sandwiched in between the weeks of go, go, go. How we long for those days to hibernate with each other, to just BE, to just soak up life in a not so go, go go way and yet... the weekend came and we went, went, went. 


I don't regret our weekend. I don't wish to take it back, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't hoping for a quieter, less hectic one next time around.


This past weekend we kicked off the next phase in our home renovation project. As I explained to Dan, it is by far the "least exciting" reno project ever. We are reconstructing the back wall of our foundation. So, no magical before and after shots- although I'll share with you the "during" below. They're not pretty, so don't get your hopes up. We have to do this though because our 50 something year old house is built into a hill and the weight of that hill is pushing upon our foundation, thus making my engineer husband very worried. So, I guess the security of knowing that our house is no longer going to collapse is slightly exciting, but still not pretty. Luckily, the next phases of this massive renovation should involve a lot of pretty.


We also cleaned, played, volunteered a little bit of time packing meals for those in Haiti, did some grocery shopping, fit in a couple of trips to Home Depot (what renovation project would be complete without these?), enjoyed the spots of spring-life weather, went to church, and more... 


Monday came too quickly, as always, and we are back yet again to the go, go go... which never really stopped. I am just going to hold my breath, hold on tight and ride this chaos out until it hopefully slightly subsides in July. We have some hope that our jobs will slow down a little bit then, giving us a chance to breathe a little. 


Here is wishing for you an amazing week and hopefully we'll all find a few chances to slow things down a little and soak each other up. 

         

lessons from the first year

I had been planning on taking off tomorrow for months now. It was my intention to not work on Jackson's first birthday- and to not work on any of his birthdays for that matter. And then plans changed. 


Instead, the little man got sick yesterday, keeping him (us) up most of the night and clinging to his mama this morning and through the day. So, instead of taking off tomorrow to celebrate his birthday, I took off today to cuddle my baby back to health. In short, plans changed, they adjusted to meet his needs. 


Molding my day, my schedule, my LIFE to him is simply a way of life now. It is one way that I prioritize my role as mother to the most precious piece of my heart. The agility that this requires is not always convenient, it is not always easy or comfortable, but it is what it is- it is necessary and it is one that takes priority. 


It also happens to be just one of the many, many lessons this first year has taught me about motherhood, about parenting, about this enormous, unbelievable responsibility that comes in the form of a the most miraculous blessing. These lessons or realizations may not be the same for every first-time parent, I'm sure we all begin on a slightly different part of the learning curve, but here are mine and I would love to hear if any ring true for you or if you have any additional ones that I forgot because lets face it, loss of memory seems to come along with parenthood at times.


1. My pain, uncomfort, complaints mean nothing now. It's no longer about me, it's about him and I would happily endure any pain, any day if it meant he didn't have to.


2. It is not possible to 100% understand unconditional love until you have a child. And once you do, you can then love others truly unconditionally and can for the first time completely understand how God loves us.


3. You will get sprayed with some type of bodily fluid on an almost daily basis and it will not phase you in the least. 


4. While not optimal, you will find how easy it is to go on little to no sleep day after day. 


5. Speaking of little to no sleep. You will never truly 'sleep through the night again' - even if your child does, you will not. It's a mother thing I think because Dan seems to have no issues with this!


6. "Motherly instinct" is almost eerily accurate and alive the instant you become pregnant. I could re-tell many, many examples of when I have felt this instinct kick in. One of the most frequent of which is when I will wake in the middle of the night, eyes wide open, sit up and watch Jackson on the video monitor- he will be in a deep sleep, but without fail, no more than two minutes later, he will wake up crying for me. It's as if God is giving me a little buffer time to wake up and get ready to go and take care of my little man. 


7. Birth is an absolute miracle. I always knew that, but the lesson for me was that the miracle didn't end once he had arrived, the miracle is lived out every day that he is in our life- watching him grow, learn, discover... it is jaw-dropping amazing every single day.


8. I have always detested abortion, child abuse, child abandonment, child-hurting of any kind, as do most all sane people. But now that he's in my life, hearing and knowing that these things happen every minute of every day to some child in some part of the world is enough to bring me to my knees in tears, to bring me to the brink of insanity. 


9. Having the strongest faith in God, the strongest relationship with Jesus and the most loving marriage with Dan has never been more important. Without these things I cannot be the best possible mother to Jackson. Simply not possible.


10. My health has never been more important either. Not taking care of myself is now not only irresponsible, but it is now selfish. Not taking care of myself means that I am setting a bad example for him and am risking leading a shorter life due to my poor decisions.


11. Speaking of leading by example... my ever action is now constantly studied by this little guy who is hungry to understand the world and looks to me and Dan for his primary instruction- no instruction is more powerful than our actions. This realization in itself is enough to make you question your every move- and that is a good thing. 


12. I have never said the phrases "be careful," "slow down," "drive carefully," more than in the past 12 months.


13. I have also never said the words "I love you" more than in the past 12 months.


14. Breastfeeding is just about the most natural thing in the world and is just about the farthest thing from "gross" or "uncomfortable" as possible... although, I still choose not to do so in public or in front of anyone except Dan whenever possible. That is my personal choice because I highly covet modesty, but it would never offend me for someone else to breastfeed in front of me, ever. 


15. People told me before we had JP to live it up and do whatever it was we wanted to do before he was born and we were "tied down" - I winced at that advice and still do because for me, it could not be farther from the truth. Having Jackson does nothing but push me to want to do, see, experience more with him along our side. 


16. I have always been a big photo-taker, but never dreamed I would take so, so many on a daily basis. But, when you have a little guy with a face that cute you just can't help it.


17. Going back to work has been way harder than I thought it would be. People said it would get easier as time went on, but for me it hasn't. If anything it gets harder. I don't say that to be discouraging to anyone, I just say it to be honest about my experience.


18. The absolute best advice I ever received while expecting Jackson is something I often repeat to myself. And that advice was "everything is a phase" - it is so, so true- for both the good and bad. 


19. Dan and I have (and still are) read countless books and articles on every parenting subject you can think of and this has been beyond valuable to us, opening our eyes to a lot, but at the end of the day we make our final decisions on every thing with our parental instincts. 


20. My love for Dan grows exponentially bigger and stronger each time I see him with Jackson.


...there are so many more lessons and realizations that are popping into my mind, but again my plan shifts and I will now abruptly end this post and go rock my baby back to sleep. 


Stuffy nose + fever = it's going to be a sleepless night!

Post-Marked 2023

A letter to Jackson on his 13th birthday- year, 2023. 

To my handsome little man (who I'm sure is now even more handsome, but not so little):


As I write this you are rolling around in your baby bed. You are supposed to be sleeping, but you have chosen to play a little first. You like to go about things your own way- you get that from both your Dad and me. We like to think of it as 'independence.' Your Grandmas and Grandpas would probably call it 'stubbornness.' As I wait for you to drift off into dream-land, I wanted to get some thoughts out that have been running through my mind today. Things I wanted to tell you. Things I WILL tell you many times throughout your lifetime. Some guiding words that are as much a reminder message to myself as they will be gentle words of support for you: 


I have post-marked this for when you turn 13 because I think that is a pivotal age. An age at which your love for life is high and nothing in your eyes can possibly stand in your way to live it to the fullest- this, I hope, is a view that you will forever hold on to and never let slip away. Jackson, as I look into your big baby blue eyes, I cannot help but feel instantly proud and excited for all that life has in store for you. You have every resource at your fingertips to make the life of your dreams come true. So, with that, I will say DREAM BIG, my sweet boy. Dream BIGGER than big, because as big as you think you're dreaming, the Lord has already planned dreams ten times bigger for you on your behalf. He will be patiently waiting for you to use your gifts to make all of them come true. Remember: your GIFTS are where your PASSION and your TALENTS intersect. Talents: you will have many. Don't worry, Dad and I will help you develop and hone these. 


As far as the passion: I pray that yours grows every day. Because it is PASSION that will not only get you up every morning, but will keep you SOARING through the day, into the night and to your dreams. What you are passion about is up to you- these things in which you fall in love with will come naturally. It will be our goal to ensure that God, family and learning are among your passions. We will work at that every day. It is my dream for you that you turn your PASSIONS into your life's work. It is my hope that you will never have a "job"- instead, have a career that you love, a career that further feeds your passions. 


There are a few things you must remember if you are to spend your life feeding your passions and fine-tuning your talents (thus, sharing with the world your gifts). Realize that your MIND is the greatest tool God has blessed you with. Your MIND provides you with the outlet to realize any and every goal you set for yourself. So, cherish that tool. Strengthen that tool. Help that tool grow. Your mind is like a muscle. You must work it HARD to strengthen it. NEVER let your mind go unused. Because, just like a muscle, a lazy mind will weaken quickly and turn to waste. I pray that through our example you will learn to minimize the amount of time you spend on mindless activities and will instead practice discipline in working-out your mind every day- challenge it, use it, stretch it. Stretch it FAR. 


There is absolutely nothing you cannot achieve in this life. Nothing. Dream the biggest of dreams. Hold tight to your values. Never waver in your faith. And know that your dad and I will be beside you every step of the way, encouraging you, guiding you and reminding you that God put you here with a PURPOSE and he has big plans for you. Big, big plans. 


I love you forever. More than you'll ever understand. You're only 6 months right now, but that first 6 months has gone so quickly that I'm sure when you turn 13 it will feel like I wrote this only yesterday. May the bright lights in your eyes be just as visible then as they are today. 


Love- your biggest fan,
Mama


PS: You have given up on play time now and are fast asleep... good boy, JP, good boy.