The past 5 days have been rough.
Saturday morning held so much promise- a full weekend ahead of relaxation, time with my babies, lots of work-outs planned and fun fall adventures on tap- and then my back went out. Again. For the 3rd time this year.
When I say "back went out" it's no small thing for me. It's not just back pain, it's collapsing on the floor and being unable to walk, stand or even sit up for days. And so that was the case, for Saturday, Sunday, Monday and most of Tuesday. I laid flat in bed, not moving a muscle and only attempting to get up to go to the restroom which often resulted in laying on the bathroom floor in pain.
I'm through the worst of it and will soon be starting physical therapy, I'm sporting a really attractive back brace today in the office and I'm also processing some of the things I have unfortunately learned to take for granted, things that were stolen from me these past few days:
1. Being able to hold my baby- at all. For 4 days I was unable to even pick Jonah up, feed him, cuddle him, anything. My goal for tonight is to be able to put him to bed on my own.
2. Taking care of any of my kids. Do you the definition of torture? It's hearing any of your children crying from another room and not knowing what is going on or being able to help them at all. Absolute torture.
3. Being able to walk to the restroom. (or walk at all). Yep, the restroom that is 5 feet from my bed? I had to crawl to it and then lay on the floor recovering from the pain for hours at a time. Thank you to 4 year old little boys with big hearts who would bring Mommy pillows and a blanket to make my time on the floor a little more comfortable. I ended up dehydrating myself from limiting my liquids from fear of having to use the restroom.
4. Eating in general. When you're home alone and you can't walk to the kitchen, that means not eating. On the plus side I've lost 2 pounds in the past few days.
5. Being able to help- with anything at all. The guilt I felt watching Dan take care of the babies plus the laundry, the cleaning, the you-name-it was so hard. I am so thankful for him (and my mom for helping so much), but it leaves me with so much guilt. And then add on the guilt from missing a few days of work? Lame. Note: this is self-inflicted guilt, by no means was anyone pushing this on me for the record!
6. Personal hygiene. I went way too many days without showering, changing my clothes and even brushing my teeth some because I just couldn't move. It was *amazing* to finally have a hot shower yesterday- a LOT of conditioner was needed to get all the knots out of my hair from being in bed so much!
7. Working out. Running, lifting weights... all of it is stress relief for me, it makes me feel good about myself, it keeps me healthy and not being able to do it is hard. I will remind myself on future runs when I'm tired and ready to give up that not everyone is able to run, so I'll run for them.
8. Moving without fear. I would just love to be able to walk across the room or drive into work without fear of the pain coming back. Yesterday my DR asked me to show her my range of movement and each time I would hesitate and my heart beat was through the roof because of the anxiety of pain. I just want to move freely again.
And with all of that said, I will say that I am abundantly grateful for having a husband, a mom and friends who are so loving and supportive. For 3 adorable children who entertained me and cuddled with me to help their mommy feel better. For having access to medical care that I am positive will get me on the right track- even if slowly- not everyone has that. I am so blessed.