sundays

sundays are without a doubt my favorite days. they are the days when i feel closest to God, closest to my family, closest to me. there's something about that sunday morning sprint to get to church on time- all of the craziness of getting everyone out the door- and then the rush that follows when you finally take your seat to focus solely on worshiping Him, thanking Him, loving Him. i can't explain the peace that i feel during that time. it's unlike any peace i've ever known in my life and didn't know it at all until i finally developed a real relationship with Jesus these past couple of years. and now that we have jackson and audrey... all of it means a million times more. sundays, sundays, sundays- you are how God intended life to be.

welcome back, sunshine

Today was the epitome of beautiful- the sun was shining, the temperatures were nearly record-breaking... and Jackson and I soaked up every minute. Literally every minute because someone was on a nap-strike amidst all of the adventures- beginning with church, ending with playing outside with the puppies with the zoo squeezed in the middle. 

The zoo was a big hit. It was hot, which we aren't adjusted to yet, but Jackson loved seeing all of the animals we read about every day. It blows me away every time I see him make new connections in his mind as he discovers things that are entirely new to him... and seeing so many animals in person for the first time today was no different. These experiences rank high on the list for why parenting is by far the most rewarding blessing.

With all of the chaos in our lives right now, I haven't been keeping up with all of Jackson's developments and funny little stories, so I'll record a few now. His vocabulary continues to grow- learning new words all the time, although a few continue to be used most often... mama, dada, nanna, help, please, more, snack, dog, no. His animal sounds also continue to grow, he now identifies and imitates dogs, cats, chickens, cows, frogs, lions, pigs and sometimes alligators and monkeys.

This short little story borders on TMI, but amused me last night and is sure to embarrass him someday, so I feel obligated to document it here for his future reading enjoyment! Last night I was going "potty" and clearly when I'm home alone with Jackson I don't get "private time" so as I'm in the restroom he walks in giggling and with a big smile on his face, carrying a bowl of strawberries, clearly very proud of himself for finding this little snack. I told him to go put the strawberries back but he insisted on feeding them to me and would not take "no" for an answer. So there we were, him feeding strawberries to me in a moment that does normally not warrant snacking. 

This afternoon when we were at the zoo I looked at Jackson as he was standing in the middle of the petting zoo trying to sneak up on some unsuspecting goats and suddenly it hit me how much he looks like a toddler. He is no longer a baby at all, he is a full-fledged toddler. Absolutely scary to me, to realize that he is getting to be such a big boy. Fittingly enough, this revelation came just a few days after Jackson's paci went bye-bye. It was always our plan to take away the paci about a month after he stopped nursing. He stopped nursing at 13 months and so this weekend as he turned 14 months we took away his beloved paci. We've had a few rough moments, but overall he has been a complete champ. The bottle has been gone since 10 months, so he is officially baby-equipment free. 

As I write this I am loving re-living all of the memories we made today. It's this exact feeling that has always driven my blogging. And tonight the therapy it is providing me feels so needed. Today was such perfection and my fear is that what this week will bring with feel way too contrasted to this feeling. Meaning, life is hard right now with Dan gone all of the time, the renovation chaos and my heavier-than-ever work-load... and just knowing that the switch for all of that gets turned back on in the morning makes tonight bittersweet. Sunday night blues are in full swing.

Another slightly random string of thoughts that is going through my mind tonight stems back to the message in church this morning. It was all about forgiveness. Normally when we discuss this I don't feel as though it applies to me because I can honestly think of nobody who has done such a wrong to me that I haven't had the strength to forgive. But, this morning it hit me that while it is true that I can think of no single person I have yet to forgive for something, I do think that I sometimes need to forgive the "small" things that happen on a daily basis that cause me to get impatient, frustrated and disappointed. I expect perfection from myself every day and while I don't expect others to be perfect, I certainly do hold them to much higher expectations than most people probably do... and that needs to stop and in stopping that I need to forgive myself and others when the small things in life don't add up to the vision of what is in my head.

Luckily, along with the warmer weather comes longer daylight and longer daylight right now means that Dan has a slightly better chance of spending some time playing with outside once he gets home after working long hours. Tonight he had just a few minutes with Jackson outside before bedtime and then once the little man was tucked in, we went back out to take in the beautiful weather before the sun set. 

Dan found the first flower of the season in our yard. I tell you, these flowers are indestructible. They were planted by someone years ago in the most awkward place- in the middle of a grassy area, totally random, so every time I mow the grass I mow over them and yet they always come back, just as beautiful as ever.

And lets not forget to wish this handsome little man a happy 3rd birthday! Bing Crosby Engel turned 3 on Monday. Much to his dismay, I'm sure, we didn't celebrate in grand style, but we'll make it up to him with some extra fetch time and doggy treats soon. 

and.... pause.

As much as I want to slow life down right now, like it or not, we are living on fast forward. The next few months for our family are going to be a big test of faith, patience and energy. But, we'll pass- we'll pass with flying colors, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy, comfortable or fun every day. 

If I were to find a bright spot in the fact that Dan will be working straight through the weekends until this summer- it would be that Jackson and I will be getting in a lot of one-on-one time together. I have a list of all the adventures we're going to go on- some of the best I'm sure will be played out in our little spot on top of the world.  

As many times as JP has been outside with us over the past year, he has only begun to explore this place that he calls home now that his chubby little feet have found the sweet freedom of running. Thank you, thank you for this pause button that we've been handed for the next couple of days. I can't remember the last time we've needed it more.

lessons from the first year

I had been planning on taking off tomorrow for months now. It was my intention to not work on Jackson's first birthday- and to not work on any of his birthdays for that matter. And then plans changed. 


Instead, the little man got sick yesterday, keeping him (us) up most of the night and clinging to his mama this morning and through the day. So, instead of taking off tomorrow to celebrate his birthday, I took off today to cuddle my baby back to health. In short, plans changed, they adjusted to meet his needs. 


Molding my day, my schedule, my LIFE to him is simply a way of life now. It is one way that I prioritize my role as mother to the most precious piece of my heart. The agility that this requires is not always convenient, it is not always easy or comfortable, but it is what it is- it is necessary and it is one that takes priority. 


It also happens to be just one of the many, many lessons this first year has taught me about motherhood, about parenting, about this enormous, unbelievable responsibility that comes in the form of a the most miraculous blessing. These lessons or realizations may not be the same for every first-time parent, I'm sure we all begin on a slightly different part of the learning curve, but here are mine and I would love to hear if any ring true for you or if you have any additional ones that I forgot because lets face it, loss of memory seems to come along with parenthood at times.


1. My pain, uncomfort, complaints mean nothing now. It's no longer about me, it's about him and I would happily endure any pain, any day if it meant he didn't have to.


2. It is not possible to 100% understand unconditional love until you have a child. And once you do, you can then love others truly unconditionally and can for the first time completely understand how God loves us.


3. You will get sprayed with some type of bodily fluid on an almost daily basis and it will not phase you in the least. 


4. While not optimal, you will find how easy it is to go on little to no sleep day after day. 


5. Speaking of little to no sleep. You will never truly 'sleep through the night again' - even if your child does, you will not. It's a mother thing I think because Dan seems to have no issues with this!


6. "Motherly instinct" is almost eerily accurate and alive the instant you become pregnant. I could re-tell many, many examples of when I have felt this instinct kick in. One of the most frequent of which is when I will wake in the middle of the night, eyes wide open, sit up and watch Jackson on the video monitor- he will be in a deep sleep, but without fail, no more than two minutes later, he will wake up crying for me. It's as if God is giving me a little buffer time to wake up and get ready to go and take care of my little man. 


7. Birth is an absolute miracle. I always knew that, but the lesson for me was that the miracle didn't end once he had arrived, the miracle is lived out every day that he is in our life- watching him grow, learn, discover... it is jaw-dropping amazing every single day.


8. I have always detested abortion, child abuse, child abandonment, child-hurting of any kind, as do most all sane people. But now that he's in my life, hearing and knowing that these things happen every minute of every day to some child in some part of the world is enough to bring me to my knees in tears, to bring me to the brink of insanity. 


9. Having the strongest faith in God, the strongest relationship with Jesus and the most loving marriage with Dan has never been more important. Without these things I cannot be the best possible mother to Jackson. Simply not possible.


10. My health has never been more important either. Not taking care of myself is now not only irresponsible, but it is now selfish. Not taking care of myself means that I am setting a bad example for him and am risking leading a shorter life due to my poor decisions.


11. Speaking of leading by example... my ever action is now constantly studied by this little guy who is hungry to understand the world and looks to me and Dan for his primary instruction- no instruction is more powerful than our actions. This realization in itself is enough to make you question your every move- and that is a good thing. 


12. I have never said the phrases "be careful," "slow down," "drive carefully," more than in the past 12 months.


13. I have also never said the words "I love you" more than in the past 12 months.


14. Breastfeeding is just about the most natural thing in the world and is just about the farthest thing from "gross" or "uncomfortable" as possible... although, I still choose not to do so in public or in front of anyone except Dan whenever possible. That is my personal choice because I highly covet modesty, but it would never offend me for someone else to breastfeed in front of me, ever. 


15. People told me before we had JP to live it up and do whatever it was we wanted to do before he was born and we were "tied down" - I winced at that advice and still do because for me, it could not be farther from the truth. Having Jackson does nothing but push me to want to do, see, experience more with him along our side. 


16. I have always been a big photo-taker, but never dreamed I would take so, so many on a daily basis. But, when you have a little guy with a face that cute you just can't help it.


17. Going back to work has been way harder than I thought it would be. People said it would get easier as time went on, but for me it hasn't. If anything it gets harder. I don't say that to be discouraging to anyone, I just say it to be honest about my experience.


18. The absolute best advice I ever received while expecting Jackson is something I often repeat to myself. And that advice was "everything is a phase" - it is so, so true- for both the good and bad. 


19. Dan and I have (and still are) read countless books and articles on every parenting subject you can think of and this has been beyond valuable to us, opening our eyes to a lot, but at the end of the day we make our final decisions on every thing with our parental instincts. 


20. My love for Dan grows exponentially bigger and stronger each time I see him with Jackson.


...there are so many more lessons and realizations that are popping into my mind, but again my plan shifts and I will now abruptly end this post and go rock my baby back to sleep. 


Stuffy nose + fever = it's going to be a sleepless night!

I don't know how tomorrow is already Thursday or how it is officially December or how it is possible that Jackson is going to be 10 months in just a few days. It's as if someone pressed the fast forward button on my life without my permission. 


In any case this week seems to be going by especially fast, partly due to the fact that I am in the midst of a week full of global meetings at work- this is where my teammates fly in from around the world so we can meet face to face. I see each of them periodically throughout the year, but it is rare that we're all in the same place at once. 


Today, as I was looking around the room my thoughts started to drift from the conversation at hand and I started to think about how incredible it is that out of the small group assembled, almost each person was from a completely different place, country even. We stemmed from around the globe, every where from the US to South Korea to India, Venezuela, Egypt, Mexico, China, Italy and many others in between. Each of us coming from strikingly different places with different backgrounds, upbringings, religions, beliefs, habits, cultures... you name it, all of us "different" in every sense of the word. But, you know what, knowing each of these people, some more deeply than others, I know for a fact that we're not all that different. 


Sure, there are some "on the surface" things that set us apart. We look a little different. We have slightly different mannerisms and ways of communicating. There are some language barriers. But, at the heart of it, at the center of all that really matters, we're all pretty much the same. They all love their kids and families just as much as I love Jackson and Dan. They all work hard. Harder than hard. They are driven beyond belief and thrive in constant learning and challenges. They're all just moms/dad/sisters/brothers/friends who are working hard to live their lives the best way they know how. Just like you, just like me.


This is a lesson that I have learned first hand many, many times through the work I do. You see, a lot of the work that I do has to do with understanding the dreams, motivations, needs and desires of people from around the world, with the goal of being able to design ideas and products that will have global appeal. This goal has enabled me to study the lives of people, mostly women, from literally every corner of the globe and what I have found time and time again is that at the end of the day we all share the same basic fears and dreams. 


I'm not sure what major "point" I'm trying to make with this somewhat of a ramble except that I realize many times how blessed I am to have had the opportunities I have been given to see the world from a view point that many of the people in my life have never had exposure to. Not only am I thankful for these blessings, but more importantly I feel the weight of responsibility that comes along with such understanding to ensure that I pass it along to others, especially my children. 


I can't help but think that God has given me this immense passion for writing and sharing my random string of thoughts such as the one above with others for a reason and so 'thank you' for even considering reading along and listening to what runs through my mind. I hope my experiences prove to be valuable from time to time and I hope that in return you'll share with me some of yours.  Because at the end of the day we're all just trying to live life to the fullest, to enjoy it as much as possible, to make our mark, to leave it a little better than how we found it... and we can only do that with God and with each other. 


And if none of that connected with you then at least this will hopefully make you smile. This is JP from bath time tonight. He thought his mama's funny noises were HILARIOUS!

Post-Marked 2023

A letter to Jackson on his 13th birthday- year, 2023. 

To my handsome little man (who I'm sure is now even more handsome, but not so little):


As I write this you are rolling around in your baby bed. You are supposed to be sleeping, but you have chosen to play a little first. You like to go about things your own way- you get that from both your Dad and me. We like to think of it as 'independence.' Your Grandmas and Grandpas would probably call it 'stubbornness.' As I wait for you to drift off into dream-land, I wanted to get some thoughts out that have been running through my mind today. Things I wanted to tell you. Things I WILL tell you many times throughout your lifetime. Some guiding words that are as much a reminder message to myself as they will be gentle words of support for you: 


I have post-marked this for when you turn 13 because I think that is a pivotal age. An age at which your love for life is high and nothing in your eyes can possibly stand in your way to live it to the fullest- this, I hope, is a view that you will forever hold on to and never let slip away. Jackson, as I look into your big baby blue eyes, I cannot help but feel instantly proud and excited for all that life has in store for you. You have every resource at your fingertips to make the life of your dreams come true. So, with that, I will say DREAM BIG, my sweet boy. Dream BIGGER than big, because as big as you think you're dreaming, the Lord has already planned dreams ten times bigger for you on your behalf. He will be patiently waiting for you to use your gifts to make all of them come true. Remember: your GIFTS are where your PASSION and your TALENTS intersect. Talents: you will have many. Don't worry, Dad and I will help you develop and hone these. 


As far as the passion: I pray that yours grows every day. Because it is PASSION that will not only get you up every morning, but will keep you SOARING through the day, into the night and to your dreams. What you are passion about is up to you- these things in which you fall in love with will come naturally. It will be our goal to ensure that God, family and learning are among your passions. We will work at that every day. It is my dream for you that you turn your PASSIONS into your life's work. It is my hope that you will never have a "job"- instead, have a career that you love, a career that further feeds your passions. 


There are a few things you must remember if you are to spend your life feeding your passions and fine-tuning your talents (thus, sharing with the world your gifts). Realize that your MIND is the greatest tool God has blessed you with. Your MIND provides you with the outlet to realize any and every goal you set for yourself. So, cherish that tool. Strengthen that tool. Help that tool grow. Your mind is like a muscle. You must work it HARD to strengthen it. NEVER let your mind go unused. Because, just like a muscle, a lazy mind will weaken quickly and turn to waste. I pray that through our example you will learn to minimize the amount of time you spend on mindless activities and will instead practice discipline in working-out your mind every day- challenge it, use it, stretch it. Stretch it FAR. 


There is absolutely nothing you cannot achieve in this life. Nothing. Dream the biggest of dreams. Hold tight to your values. Never waver in your faith. And know that your dad and I will be beside you every step of the way, encouraging you, guiding you and reminding you that God put you here with a PURPOSE and he has big plans for you. Big, big plans. 


I love you forever. More than you'll ever understand. You're only 6 months right now, but that first 6 months has gone so quickly that I'm sure when you turn 13 it will feel like I wrote this only yesterday. May the bright lights in your eyes be just as visible then as they are today. 


Love- your biggest fan,
Mama


PS: You have given up on play time now and are fast asleep... good boy, JP, good boy.