dear, emme.

Dear, Emme-

This morning on my commute into the office I couldn't stop thinking about YOU. For some reason you dominated my every thought. It felt like God was telling me that things are crazy right now- crazy busy, lots going on- and that this intensity is just preparing us and making us stronger for when our journey to you begins. I know God probably finds my over-detailed life plans and checklists amusing in that "oh sweet girl of mine you are so funny thinking you can control all of that..." way, so I don't know when exactly we'll be able to wrap you in our arms and bring you safely home, but there was just something about today- something that weighed so heavily on my heart that I can't help but believe that today was an important step, an important milestone, in your journey. 

When I started to visualize the timeline of when we plan to bring you home and worked backwards I realized that now might be when your biological mom and dad are meeting or maybe starting to plan for a family or maybe even conceive you. I don't know, but I did want YOU to know that on this day, even before you came to this world, you were LOVED. You were PLANNED for. You were WANTED. 

As I sat in traffic and all of this swarmed through my mind, I was so emotional and full of love for you and a song came on the radio with the lyrics "bring you Home" playing over and over. 

Chills, absolute chills. 

baby love.

i have been thinking lately a lot about how i simply cannot imagine life without babies. these just feel like the best years. when we have tiny, chubby little feet running through the house. when there are things being seen, heard, tasted for the first time ever on a daily basis. when cuddling and soothing and protecting are in constant rhythm. 

i know that every stage will come with its own set of perks and i'll love them all just as much as i love today, but there's just something about babies. something that i'll never get enough of. and so dan may be in a lot of trouble because i would gladly fill this house to the brim with these chubby little munchkins if i could. 

i know they are hard work. believe me, i know that. but, what in life that is really, really great is easy? nothing. nothing at all. i'll take the hard that comes along with these faces any day. 

i hope that someday when jackson and audrey are remembering their childhoods they'll realize that as much fun and love as they are remembering... i was feeling it a million times more in the moment.

I've sat down to write at least three times in the past half hour, only to delete every word I have typed. I feel like I have this list of things to get off my chest and yet no words seem adequate to take them off my mind. They must need to mingle together a little longer in my mind, giving me a little more time to understand. Dan used to jokingly tell me to "lighten up" when my world became to serious. I think he finally realized that telling me that did nothing but push me in that direction even farther, down a path I don't always feel like I have the choice in going. It's as if every once in awhile every deeply concerning, historically conflicting question irks in my brain relentlessly, insisting that I've got to answer it at this very moment:


How are we going to raise Jackson and Audrey to be humble and confident, driven and content, to have conviction and empathy? 


How are we going to teach them to serve God before any one else? To not get caught up in crowds just following each other around in circles? To love with judgement and reach out without fear? 


How am I going to show them that you need not define yourself by any one thing? Being multi-dimensional is not only more beautiful, but more interesting as well? That just maybe God intended for them to fulfill many, many purposes in life? 


And what about patience and unwavering faith? That really big stuff that can't be taught, but can only be absorbed through observing? How are we going to exude that every minute of every day? That's a lot of pressure.


Oh, and I can't forget about passion, loving unconditionally, dreaming big, always standing up for what is right, persistence, being consistent, to never stop learning...


You name it and I want it for our babies. I want it for them because I know how having it myself has shaped me. And I want it for them because I know how not having it has shaped me.


I am who I am and they will be who they are meant to be, but there are nights such as these when I look into their deeply innocent eyes and the weight of realizing how big of a role I have in their destinies is sobering. 


I love those babies. I love who they are and I love who they will become. I love them forever. And while I never expect them to fully understand how much I mean that, I do hope that they will look back one day and realize how seriously I took this whole parenting thing. How I didn't take for granted one day as their mom and I didn't pass up one opportunity to teach them, to love them, to guide them to a life full of faith, love and happiness. 

Post-Marked 2023

A letter to Jackson on his 13th birthday- year, 2023. 

To my handsome little man (who I'm sure is now even more handsome, but not so little):


As I write this you are rolling around in your baby bed. You are supposed to be sleeping, but you have chosen to play a little first. You like to go about things your own way- you get that from both your Dad and me. We like to think of it as 'independence.' Your Grandmas and Grandpas would probably call it 'stubbornness.' As I wait for you to drift off into dream-land, I wanted to get some thoughts out that have been running through my mind today. Things I wanted to tell you. Things I WILL tell you many times throughout your lifetime. Some guiding words that are as much a reminder message to myself as they will be gentle words of support for you: 


I have post-marked this for when you turn 13 because I think that is a pivotal age. An age at which your love for life is high and nothing in your eyes can possibly stand in your way to live it to the fullest- this, I hope, is a view that you will forever hold on to and never let slip away. Jackson, as I look into your big baby blue eyes, I cannot help but feel instantly proud and excited for all that life has in store for you. You have every resource at your fingertips to make the life of your dreams come true. So, with that, I will say DREAM BIG, my sweet boy. Dream BIGGER than big, because as big as you think you're dreaming, the Lord has already planned dreams ten times bigger for you on your behalf. He will be patiently waiting for you to use your gifts to make all of them come true. Remember: your GIFTS are where your PASSION and your TALENTS intersect. Talents: you will have many. Don't worry, Dad and I will help you develop and hone these. 


As far as the passion: I pray that yours grows every day. Because it is PASSION that will not only get you up every morning, but will keep you SOARING through the day, into the night and to your dreams. What you are passion about is up to you- these things in which you fall in love with will come naturally. It will be our goal to ensure that God, family and learning are among your passions. We will work at that every day. It is my dream for you that you turn your PASSIONS into your life's work. It is my hope that you will never have a "job"- instead, have a career that you love, a career that further feeds your passions. 


There are a few things you must remember if you are to spend your life feeding your passions and fine-tuning your talents (thus, sharing with the world your gifts). Realize that your MIND is the greatest tool God has blessed you with. Your MIND provides you with the outlet to realize any and every goal you set for yourself. So, cherish that tool. Strengthen that tool. Help that tool grow. Your mind is like a muscle. You must work it HARD to strengthen it. NEVER let your mind go unused. Because, just like a muscle, a lazy mind will weaken quickly and turn to waste. I pray that through our example you will learn to minimize the amount of time you spend on mindless activities and will instead practice discipline in working-out your mind every day- challenge it, use it, stretch it. Stretch it FAR. 


There is absolutely nothing you cannot achieve in this life. Nothing. Dream the biggest of dreams. Hold tight to your values. Never waver in your faith. And know that your dad and I will be beside you every step of the way, encouraging you, guiding you and reminding you that God put you here with a PURPOSE and he has big plans for you. Big, big plans. 


I love you forever. More than you'll ever understand. You're only 6 months right now, but that first 6 months has gone so quickly that I'm sure when you turn 13 it will feel like I wrote this only yesterday. May the bright lights in your eyes be just as visible then as they are today. 


Love- your biggest fan,
Mama


PS: You have given up on play time now and are fast asleep... good boy, JP, good boy.