philippians 2:13

I pray often for God to tell me if I'm on the right track, if I'm doing what he put me here to do and to give me some hints on what I'm supposed to do next. Any by "hints" I mean, just please tell me exactly what your purpose is for me and please do tell me NOW! It's the impatient side of me asking for all of this. And it's the perfectionist side of me. It's very "me" to want to please Him so badly and to know that I'm making the most of my life. 

And for as many times as I've prayed this to Him, I still am so humbled and so surprised, really, when he answers my prayers and starts to lay things out very clearly to me. Almost like a teacher spelling the lesson out to his student very carefully so that they don't miss it, so that they couldn't' possibly misinterpret the instructions. 

I can't go into details now, but I will say that God has been whispering in my hear very loudly over the past couple of weeks and a seed that he planted in me a long time ago is starting to grow very strongly. "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." -Philippians 2:13. (isn't it funny how little verses such as this one pop up in front of you just as you're thinking about the very message it is conveying?). This desire that he has placed in my heart is a passion that is almost overbearing, taking over so many of my thoughts and has me tediously researching and seeking to understand even better so that I can not only accept this mission he is sending me on, but live it out with as much bold faith as he already has in me. 

I've, of course, already been avidly sharing all of this with Dan. His response? Zero questions asked, zero judgement, zero cynicism. Only complete support, faith and love. Why am I surprised? Obviously God wouldn't have asked me to live out such a purpose without providing for me a partner to fulfill it with. 

There is so much wrong with this world. So, so much. So much to fear, to hate, to let get you down... if you let it. But, what is most important and deserves so much more of my energy and my attention is that for all that is wrong, there is so much more that is good. And if we listen with our hearts open, He will provide a way for us to keep focused on all the endless hope and will give us each our purpose (or many purposes) to fulfill. 

I've sat down to write at least three times in the past half hour, only to delete every word I have typed. I feel like I have this list of things to get off my chest and yet no words seem adequate to take them off my mind. They must need to mingle together a little longer in my mind, giving me a little more time to understand. Dan used to jokingly tell me to "lighten up" when my world became to serious. I think he finally realized that telling me that did nothing but push me in that direction even farther, down a path I don't always feel like I have the choice in going. It's as if every once in awhile every deeply concerning, historically conflicting question irks in my brain relentlessly, insisting that I've got to answer it at this very moment:


How are we going to raise Jackson and Audrey to be humble and confident, driven and content, to have conviction and empathy? 


How are we going to teach them to serve God before any one else? To not get caught up in crowds just following each other around in circles? To love with judgement and reach out without fear? 


How am I going to show them that you need not define yourself by any one thing? Being multi-dimensional is not only more beautiful, but more interesting as well? That just maybe God intended for them to fulfill many, many purposes in life? 


And what about patience and unwavering faith? That really big stuff that can't be taught, but can only be absorbed through observing? How are we going to exude that every minute of every day? That's a lot of pressure.


Oh, and I can't forget about passion, loving unconditionally, dreaming big, always standing up for what is right, persistence, being consistent, to never stop learning...


You name it and I want it for our babies. I want it for them because I know how having it myself has shaped me. And I want it for them because I know how not having it has shaped me.


I am who I am and they will be who they are meant to be, but there are nights such as these when I look into their deeply innocent eyes and the weight of realizing how big of a role I have in their destinies is sobering. 


I love those babies. I love who they are and I love who they will become. I love them forever. And while I never expect them to fully understand how much I mean that, I do hope that they will look back one day and realize how seriously I took this whole parenting thing. How I didn't take for granted one day as their mom and I didn't pass up one opportunity to teach them, to love them, to guide them to a life full of faith, love and happiness. 

sundays

sundays are without a doubt my favorite days. they are the days when i feel closest to God, closest to my family, closest to me. there's something about that sunday morning sprint to get to church on time- all of the craziness of getting everyone out the door- and then the rush that follows when you finally take your seat to focus solely on worshiping Him, thanking Him, loving Him. i can't explain the peace that i feel during that time. it's unlike any peace i've ever known in my life and didn't know it at all until i finally developed a real relationship with Jesus these past couple of years. and now that we have jackson and audrey... all of it means a million times more. sundays, sundays, sundays- you are how God intended life to be.

::set me free::

Tonight went something like this: 

Dan came home from work to find nap-less Jackson and I playing while holding a nap-fighting Audrey. It was all good, but two napless kids can make for a longish day. Then, while Dan catches up with the babies, I am at the computer pumping (thank you, Pinterest and blogs for making these little necessary sessions that much more bearable)... anyway, Dan asks what I am reading and I tell him it's an article about how one woman's best piece of parenting advice was that she should date herself on a regular basis. You know, get out of the house alone. ALONE! I tell him that I am going to start doing that to which he replies that maybe he should too. He expects me to tell him that's not a good idea, but I tell him the opposite- that he should get out alone, I encourage it. And I say it because I mean it. 

So, thirty minutes, at least 3 cheerios-all-over-the-place-spills and a not-going-to-give-in-to-a-nap rocking session with Audrey later, Dan says something like, "do you want to get away for a little bit?" YES, yes I do. How long do I have? He suggests 15 minutes. Riiight, how about a couple of hours? He seems fine with the idea and in less than three minutes I am dressed and ready to walk out the door. After promising a very confused Jackson with a treat upon my return from my "meeting" I was out-of-there, with no idea where I was going. 

It wasn't as easy as picking any old place to go. I needed a strategy. I only had a couple of hours and since we live in the middle of nowhere I needed a place close enough to not suck all of my free time in driving mode, but that didn't leave a lot of choices. I would have loved to go to a bookstore and bury myself in a book in a quiet corner with a latte, but that was out of the question since the nearest bookstore was too many miles away to leave time for an actual burying on oneself. 

So, backup plan it was: to go to Kroger (I know, am I not there every other day?). But, this grocery store sells books and happens to have a Starbucks. So, I went in, grabbed the first book that looked good, ordered a grande skinny vanilla latte and found the nearest table for my first ever date with myself. My first bit of true alone time in months. 

Everything was going according to plan: out of the house without child or husband, but then I start to realize that the book I'm reading- while great- is also pretty depressing. And, next thing I know, I feel like I'm being sucked into this horribly sad reality... the white noise around me seems to be getting louder and I find myself pulled into these little stories of the people around me: the conversation I overhear from the lady next to me who is on the brink of tears (something to do with not having enough money, not knowing what to do, not having any help...), the family a few tables away who is having dinner together, but the mom and son are totally in their own world  playing on their phones while the dad stares blankly into space, the family who walks by and the mom looks so lonely and sad that I could almost cry just getting a glimpse of her face. What is going on?


My "I'm on a me-date and it's awesome" high is taking a sudden dip, nearing a crash. 

I blame this all on the book I'm reading. And also on the lack of sleep. Any maybe on my over-active mind and all to consuming heart that seems to feel way too much in the hope that I can lessen the burden for someone else if I can find a way to feel for them. 


And then the clencher- a lady walks by with her toddler in the cart who is throwing a total meltdown tantrum. And suddenly I miss my kids. I've only been away for an hour, but I miss them so much it hurts.

I know I needed this time away. So. Much. And I know that by taking time for myself I will actually be a better mom, but I still missed them. I missed them because all of a sudden feel like I didn't appreciate them enough today, and yesterday. That while we have spent every moment together doing quality stuff, maybe I took their chubby little fingers and their big blue eyes for granted just a little. Or maybe I became too impatient too quickly when they threw my schedule off- again. Or when they made yet another mess.

So, I slap myself in the face (figuratively, not literally) and tell myself to suck up the overly-dramatic soap opera in my head and enjoy my last minutes of freedom. So, I throw the too-sad-for-tonight book in my bag and decide that picking up some diapers and ordering cupcakes for Jackson's birthday party this weekend allows me to be alone and yet sort of be with my kids by doing things for my kids at the same time. So, that's how I spent my last minutes of freedom. 

And, yet, for some reason, I couldn't' shake those feelings of sadness off completely. I did a quick lap around the store to see if any impulsive purchase could lift my mood. Normally, this would be easy to pull off with a new lipstick or cleaning product (if you just rolled your eyes at me I forgive you because even I rolled my eyes at me for that one... but sadly it's true)... anyway, back to my point: something was bothering me and yet the only explanation I had was LIFE. Life was bothering me. 

It was suddenly bothering me that the world is not perfect. That not everyone has the perfect life. That life isn't fair. That there are people starving, dying, depressingly unhappy... you name it. It was bothering me. It's like a hurricane of the world's hurt was suddenly on my shoulders. And for some reason my pretty little umbrella that I normally carry to bounce these feelings away so that I can live in my bubble of a world where everything is pretty and happy wouldn't open and I was being flooded with emotions. 

Realizing that no purchase was going to remedy it, I checked out and walked to my car, ready for the drive home back to my babies. And when my car turned on these are the first lyrics that came out of the radio: when the world has broken me down, your love sets me free. One of the playlists that I hadn't listened to in months was suddenly playing the most perfect song... 


when I call out your name, something inside awakes in my soul, how quickly I forget I'm yours. I'm not on my own, I've been carried by You all my life. when the world has broken me down, your love sets me free.  And when my life is like a storm, rising waters all I want is the shore. You say I'll be ok, make it through the rain, you are my shelter from the storm. 

These things, these little "coincidences" happen way too often to be even close to that. Once again, I was stopped in my tracks as God sent me yet another message to remind me of what I already knew: that He is with me, He is with all of us and when life has us down (even when we're not sure why), His love is there to set us free. Free to love, to live, to laugh... to live life abundantly. 

And so I played that song over and over again on the way home. And within minutes my spirit was lifted, I was re-energized, I was ready again to take on this world that is fallen, that is not perfect, that is in need of warriors to be His hand and feet to spread this news- that we are never alone, that we are perfectly loved even though we're not perfect, that it's all good. 

And so I came home. And I was reminded that while we can't see God the way we see other things in this world, if we have faith, we can see him through the blessings He gives to us. And I can't think of two cuter faces to see God through than those of Jackson and Audrey. 

joy.

There is a deep sense of clarity that comes along with happiness. Not the every day kind of happiness, but the kind that you find when you really stop to feel your life. To feel the love that fills the air around you in a way that is so heavy you can feel it laying on your skin, you can taste it. I think this may be what Jesus called JOY. 


Having this week at home with Jackson has given me that rare opportunity to really feel this joy. I mean really feel it. I feel it when I walk into his room in the morning and before I can see him I can hear him giggling. I feel it throughout the day when I hear him say my name, when he comes to where I am and takes me by the hand, when he is just Jackson. And I am just Mama. 

I believe there is something extraordinary about my love for Jackson. About my respect for being chosen to be his mother. I feel it so deeply in my heart that it is undeniable to the point of being overwhelming. 


This kind of love is rare- and when something is this rare you protect it with all you have and you savor it with your entire being. And when you feel JOY that deeply you can't help but to shout about it. To tell the world. To want more than anything to be able to share with everyone around you just a little piece of heaven God is giving you a taste of. So, I do that. I shout it out. I tell my story. I thank God so many times a day for this little man that even He probably thinks I sound like a broken record. 


There are many things in my life that bring me happiness, but there are very few that bring me JOY. Very few that are eternal. That are forever. That I pray will be beside me someday in Heaven. And for these people I am humbled to be such a big part of their lives too. 

We are coming off of a beautiful, sunny, relaxing weekend where our number one priority was soaking each other up. Its in those moments- of complete and utter simplicity- where I find there to be a spotlight on the blessings in my life, just pulling me towards it, urging me to take a moment to be thankful. And thankful I am.

In service yesterday we focused on Deuteronomy 6: 4-9. To say that I take this passage lightly would be the epitome of an understatement. This passage reminds me that when God chose me to be Jackson's mother, he was choosing me to introduce my little man to Him. To show him the way to having a life-long relationship with Jesus. It is not an honor that Dan and I take lightly. 

When I see Dan and Jackson move with complete ease and harmony as they do more and more... I am so thankful to have a husband who places such importance on being the absolute best father possible. I love so many things about him, but to see the patience, love and joy he has with Jackson far exceeds anything else. They are best buddies and that is so amazing to watch. I glanced back to see what we were doing exactly one year ago and I was amused to find that the scene was just as sweet- (June 12, 2010).

Jackson takes this job of watering the baby trees very seriously. Very. It is not a laughing, playing matter- it is a big boy job that he and Daddy do together. Moments like this remind me once again that new toys and television are not what children need to be happy or entertained. In fact, that is actually what they need less of. Instead, lets give them more of this:

The countdown is on: less than 2 weeks until we learn if we're having another baby boy or a baby girl. I wasn't sure how pregnancy would feel the second time around, but it is not even a little bit less amazing or miraculous. I still find myself reading daily on what my baby is up to- how he or she is developing. As of today baby is 5.5 inches long and weighs around 7 ounces. I will never get over the fact that I have a baby inside of me. A baby- INSIDE of me. Honestly, think about that. Amazing. We can't wait to meet you, baby, only 155 days to go!

when forever doesn't feel long enough

I have no idea why I am still awake. I made this pact with myself at the beginning of the year that I was going to try my best to be in bed by 10:30 every night. Yeah, right. That has happened maybe a handful of times. So, I think I'm just going to give up on that goal and be okay with it. Life is too short to sleep when your mind is dancing and your heart is just aching for more time, more time to just live.


This morning I was helping in the kindergarten class at church and the lesson was around 'everlasting life' - and as we were going through the bible stories my mind was filling with visions of what heaven will be like and how we cannot even begin to imagine the paradise that awaits us- and that in itself is mind-blowing. 


But, the thing is... the thing is that my life- our life- the life of my little family already feels like heaven. Sometimes I feel like I probably squeeze Jackson too tightly and that the way I sometimes watch Dan sleep is borderline creepy... but I do it because I am so in love with being in love with them. And in moments like that- in moments like right now- forever just doesn't feel like long enough. 


Tomorrow brings the start to another week of opportunities- and most certainty a lot of chaos will sure to follow. I am realizing that life is too short to get caught up in the drama of 'busy' and 'stressed' and 'tired'... so I pray that I'll take this week one day at a time, living in peaceful balance. I pray that I will live in the moment, because life happens in the moments that we all too often are hurrying along. 

"it's never too late to be brand new" t. swift

Sometimes there is just nothing better than a fresh start. A blank canvas. An opportunity to start over. Today is not only a new day, but it is also the start to a new month and I am completely embracing this big do-over that has been handed to me. 


I came across this quote today by Gandhi and it really spoke to me:
"Each one has to find its peace from within. And peace, to be real, must be unaffected by outside circumstances."


On this new day that happens to be the start of a new month I am vowing to take a few moments to re-energize my new year's resolution to be PEACEFULLY BALANCED. To align my time and my energy completely, with the utmost harmony, to my top priories... and, in turn, to be at peace. 


I have been wearing my phrase of the year around my neck for a few weeks now. Whenever I am in the moment and feeling anxious or worried I reach up and just hold my necklace that was made so beautifully by Lisa Leonard designs and remind myself to take a deep breath and put whatever it is that is bothering me in perspective, because what I have learned time and time again is that the urgent is seldom important and the important is seldom urgent. That the areas of my life that deserve and need my full heart are rarely demanding in such a way that induces anxiety. That the areas of my life that are causing such stress are most always areas that can be altered if needed to fit more seamlessly into the second place slot that they deserve. And it is up to me to make the changes to allow for that fit. 


And what I'm finding more and more every day, is that when I'm truly at peace, when I'm truly peacefully balanced I seem to find more and more joy everywhere I look. Joy seems to seep into my every thought, action and move... and to live with such joy is to live peacefully I think. 


Thank you to my good friend Kristen for pointing out that joy is "deep and abiding confidence that all is well regardless of circumstance or difficulty." Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.


Here is to a NEW day and if this day isn't working out for you I encourage you to start over fresh this very minute, because it is never too late to be brand new.

FAITH BEGINNINGS: "The great man is he who does not lose his childlike heart." - Mencius

Last weekend Dan, Jackson and I went book-shopping. We went a little overboard, as usual, but if there is any thing I am okay with giving Jackson too much of, it is books. So, give him books we did. While there we also picked up a few books to read in our quest to give Jackson the strongest foundation of faith possible. 


One of the books I began reading is Faith Like a Child by Johnny Parker. So far, so great!


The book is based around Matthew 18:3-4:
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."


Johnny starts the book talking about the difference between being childish and childlike. The idea that being childish needs to stay in childhood- this immaturity comes along with just that, not yet being mature. But, being childlike is something that we should keep in our hearts, in how we live always. Being childlike means seeing life through the eyes of a child- seeing things with pure love, unconditional love... living as children live- "they trust, love and live without considering first what's in it for them." I love that. (Side note: this also begs the question of what catalyst spurs this way of living to stop- or at least to stop being so frequent. And when do these things happen? What is it in life that begins the slippery slop of adulthood as seen through the eyes of the bitter, serious, tired.)


I love how he goes on to point out how children know how to keep life simple. How they have this beautiful ability to find joy everywhere. It's so true! Just watch a child, watch how their faces light up over any and every thing, how they laugh without a guard up and giving hugs, kisses and affection fit so seamlessly into their every day life. I see this all the time with Jackson in my life- it is what makes being around children so incredible, so fun and care-free. It's because we too wish we could live this way. And the beauty is that we can, and as God points out, we should. 


It doesn't mean throwing responsibility and seriousness out the window- there is a time for both of those things as adults, but I would argue that "serious" business can be accomplished without serious faces 99% of the time. That we can be responsible and set the best of examples by being childlike. 


As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven... a time to weep and a time to laugh."


Did you know that the average 4 year old laughs more than 40 times a day? And that the average 40 year old laughs only 4 times a day? Does that depress any one else? Because I'm 26 and if being 40 means only laughing a few times a day then I'm not ready to buy into that future. 


"Laughter and play are the poles that add balance to our steps as we walk the tightrope of life." I wrote down that quote while reading and I just happened to come back across it today... I think the past few days I've been forgetting to laugh and play and be as childlike as much as I want to be. This happens sometimes when we allow the stresses of every day life to blur our focus. 


The book left this section by posing  a question of "what are you doing today to cultivate a spirit of laughter and play in your home?" What am I doing today and every day to bring Jackson up in a home that thrives off of childlike passion, love and energy? I would also add, what am I doing today and every day to bring childlike play and fun to my marriage? And what am I doing today and every day to bring this idea of pure, selfless passion to the office- how can I be the shining light of example for those around me?

I'm beginning to think this little man that we're raising is just a little more than loved... a little more than adored and gets a little more than his share of attention. They say it takes a village to raise a baby and a what a village of family and friends we had in church this morning as Jackson was recognized and Dan and I dedicated ourselves officially to raising him knowing and loving God.