Tonight marks the end to my first day on "vacay" as my Aunt Mary would say. My goal was to soak up as much JP time as possible and that I did. We were play-hard-rock stars- there were indoor wagon rides, snack bribes in exchange for wobbly steps, puppy-tail chasing, cuddle time, Christmas song singing, story time... you name it, we did it, we did it all out, and still managed to start crossing to-dos off my overly-ambitious list for my holiday break and met Dan for lunch.
And now that I am getting ready to go to bed I can't help but think... this is what I have been missing out on. This is what I have been giving up every day while at work. All of this! I realize every mom probably thinks this, but my baby honestly is the cutest in the world, the smartest, the most adorable, the most hilarious... the most everything because he is my everything and my heart hurts tonight thinking about how much time I miss out on with him for my career.
I haven't actually done this (or maybe I have), but I would bet that if you were to browse back through my blogging archives you would probably find a similar post to this every few weeks in some form or another. The "ugh, I just want to stay home with Jackson or at least not work so much" post. And if I'm blogging about it every few weeks then I'm probably thinking about it and feeling it every few days. It is honestly the hardest part of being a mom for me.
The constant, never-ending, won't-go-away nagging I feel- the literal pull in opposite directions... most of which I admittedly bring on myself because I have this fatal flaw of needing to be the perfect mom, woman, full on life-liver. I realize that at the end of the day if staying at home is truly, truly what I want to do then I would be fully supported in that choice... but the problem is that it's not truly what I want. What I want is not to not have a career. I need that part of my life. It is a necessary for me, But the reality is that just because you want something, just because you need something, just because your life wouldn't be complete without it doesn't make having it any easier sometimes.
So, I'll go to sleep tonight with a big, proud, happy smile on my face because I had the best day with my little man, knowing that we get to do it all over again tomorrow. And as for the mystery of how in the world am I ever going to crack the code on how to be at peace with being a working mom, well that one I am intentionally going to try and just push aside for at least this week.
Sweet dreams!
Jessica
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